“This dream is in a telescope now”.

It was early March when the cracks began gathering. Spring had yet to arrive, and the grey bitterness of winter’s last gasp bit hard and true as I ran the southern bank of the Thames pathway. The Joy Formidable’s, The Greatest Light is the Greatest Shade, pulsated with venom through my earphones, and my feet found rhythm with the beat of the kick drum. “This dream is in a telescope now”, she kept singing, and each word struck home.

 

After a half mile or so I came to a stop at Putney bridge, catching my breath and casting my eye back up the river and through the early, cold misty air of the morning. It is funny how you can listen to a song for years, blissfully unaware that at some stage, one line is going to cut through all the humdrum with a sudden poignancy, and glorify its genius by ironically summing up a moment in your life. The dream of being able to sustain myself as a performing songwriter was nearly all but over and the bright-eyed idealism of yesteryear gone.

 

It has been a challenging few months, but such has been the nature of the beast I have decided to call it a day and find another profession. The very pitfalls that the music business is famous for, from 250+ people standing up to leave as you stand up to play, unpaid gigs, rude promoters, to underhand behaviour from people you think you can trust, at some stage all came out to play. I expected this would happen, but I also had the naïve perception that the “beauty” of creating music and performing with others would outweigh the negatives. Sadly, corrupted side of the business grabbed far more of my time than I shall care to remember. Reality is always different from hindsight, and always bites hard.

 

The new EP, however, did not take off and this was the defining nail in the coffin. I gauged this a couple of months before the launch following very few responses from those in the business I sent it to. I put everything into Blood & Treasure and I’m very proud of it, but it has not clicked in the market and therefore it cannot have been good enough, it is as simple as that. The admission that “it hasn’t worked”, has proved a particularly hard pill to swallow, given how much I put into it and how much I believed in my own ability. It inevitably leads to a lot of questioning of oneself and there have been many times of late I have been left with my head in my hands, before looking up to the sky to try and find an answer. Life is about these experiences though. Whether you get burned or not, it’s all about how you come out the other side and I can be jolly proud of what I have created and how I have conducted myself; the same will not be said for others in the industry.

 

I shall finish my last Songwriter’s blog with expressing my sincere thanks to everyone who has helped me along the way, come to see me play, cajoled, heckled and bought my music. It’s certainly been an adventure and if some day one of my songs connects with someone at 7:30am on a chilly Tuesday morning, that will be a silent victory. That is sometimes the way of things.

Yours,

ADR

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